To my TOTGA

You are not like every girl’s dream guy. You don’t get a lot of attention. I’m sure not all of your other exes admired you from the start, and if there’s one more thing I’m sure about, it is that most, if not all of those who lost you, regretted as much as I did.

If there’s a guy in my past whom I’d always respect, it’s you. You were the only one who treated me the same way my dad treated my mom, and the only one who loved me as much as I hope to see my brothers love their future partners.

You were one of the very few who never asked for my womanhood and you never opened about such topic. You never let society pressure you. You knew your limitations and you gave me much more respect than I could expect from you. You were the only sincere one and with the purest of intentions.

You were not really a good boy back then because just like me, you had lapses as a student, as a child and as a person. But when it came to me, you were never absent. You were always just a call away whenever I had a problem. I always had someone to talk about my days to. You’d even put up with my mood swings and illogical attacks just so you could keep me. You were all I needed, yet I pushed you away and left you like there was nothing between us.

I told you I’d prioritize my studies and my family, but here I am, five and a half years later, still undergrad and still working on getting myself back to school so I can fulfill what I told you I was leaving you for, while you are there halfway through becoming a policeman. How time flies! But somehow, after that call we had during the last few hours of 2017 and the first few hours of the year, I realized that you’re still the shy guy who used to catch my eye in the “alvida” bus back in college. You are still the same person I once loved though this time, you’re wiser.

You didn’t deserve any of the pains I caused you and I can’t afford to hurt you more this time. People say “Don’t leave because they deserve someone better. Be better.”, but as much as I’d love to become better for you, it just won’t work for us anymore. I’m sure you’ll hate me if you find out the real reason why I just suddenly left you again after I had left twice, first of which was for my first love while the second was for the thought that the right one was not you yet. I was damn stupid!

You said you miss me and asked why I didn’t meet with you when I went home for a vacation which made my heart skip a beat, of course without you knowing. You teased about getting back together but I just shrugged off the idea and even claimed that you wouldn’t have been talking that way if you hadn’t drunk some alcohol that new year’s eve. You got offended and you hanged up after almost 2 hrs of talking with me. I tried calling you and luckily before I hit 20th, you answered me. You sounded frustrated but I really just couldn’t tell you the truth. The truth that once in a while, I still think about you, about us, but then we’re no longer in the same situation like we were in 2012 that we could just stick with each other. It’s not just about feelings now. It’s also about the responsibilities and the people that matter to us. It’s about the things that happened to me.

I still care about you and in some way believe that we could still be, but it’s different now. If we could just go back to the time we were only 17 and 20, I’d definitely do and fix my mistakes. I feel bad for the time we could have spent and the things we could have done together, but such is life.

I miss you. Yes, I do, but as we both know, there’s someone out there who deserves you more. I pray to God you meet her soon so you’ll be more inspired. I am very proud of the man you’ve become, and I can just hope that all your dreams turn into reality. Thank you for the love. I’m really sorry for the pains. Till our next encounter. 😔

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